my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize