Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
