I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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