Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
