No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
