Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
