You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The uberlube is also flammable
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
