Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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