I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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