How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
