I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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