Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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