One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
