So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
