Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize