Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
