I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
