Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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