totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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