I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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