the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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