I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
