somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
