i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
