John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
