dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
