Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
