I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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