I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
