life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
