dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
