Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
