I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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