I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
