just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
