Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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