I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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