She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
