textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
