i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
