So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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