just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
