And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
