Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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