What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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