my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
