he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
