WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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