I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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