Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
