does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
