It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
