Buhtt sex?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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