I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
