wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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