I just made out with a guy for $7.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
