Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
