so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize