I wish my penis had an off switch
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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